Rape

The subject of rape and sexual abuse is one that is very often not taken seriously. When it is discussed in public it is often treated in a jokey or trivial manner. This prevents people from knowing the reality of sexual abuse, how prevalent it is and what the effects of it are.

We have produced this page because of two concerns. Firstly, many women we talk to find that the people they are close to find it an extremely difficult situation to cope with. Secondly, we regularly receive calls from partners, family members and friends who wish to support a woman who has been raped or sexually abused, but are unsure of the best way to help.

Very often this situation brings out a mixture of emotions, for example embarrassment, confusion, fear and anger.

We hope this page will give you a greater understanding of rape and sexual abuse - to help you, and in turn help the woman you are supporting deal with her experience.

It is very important to be accepting of the way she is reacting. It is better to try and get rid of any ideas you have about how a woman who has been raped or sexually abused should behave, and to accept her reactions as normal, even if she doesn't.

A woman who has been raped or sexually abused generally needs much support and caring from those close to her. Her trust in others has probably been destroyed.

Be prepared to hear upsetting details. Make it clear you believe what she is telling you. You may often feel of no use to the woman. However the fact that you are listening, believing and trying to understand helps enormously and is vital to the process of her rebuilding her life.

UNHELPFUL RESPONSES

Advising.

Don't advise a woman to "forget it". Don't tell her she shouldn't be crying months after her experience. The effects are very often long lasting.

Asking "Why"

Don't ask a woman why she didn't fight back, scream to attempt to get away. She will probably be asking herself these questions. It is very easy for people to say what they would do in the same situation, but it is quite different when it actually happens.

Becoming the "injured party"

Don't become the one who needs the most support. Your anger and sadness are understandable and justified - however they can seem frightening or upsetting to a woman who may feel that she is the cause. She may feel she should do something about your feelings, as well as cope with her own. Your feelings are important, but don't expect the woman to help you. Seek support from someone you trust or contact one of the many centres around the UK. Remember that if you are feeling bad, she is feeling much much worse.

HELPFUL RESPONSES . . .

Listen to the woman and believe her. Let her know that you are there to listen whenever she needs to talk. She may feel that she is a burden and taking up too much of your time - reassure her.

Allow her to cry as and when she needs to. It can be very difficult to see someone you care for so upset, and you may be tempted to try to protect her from her feelings. Remember, that crying and expressing her feelings are important to her healing process.

Respect the woman's decision regarding reporting to the police. If she is not sure about this help her to weigh up the pros and cons. Do not pressurise her into reporting. It can be a long and distressing experience and it must always be the woman's decision.

Help her deal with the practical consequences. If a woman is injured take her to the nearest casualty department. She may need to go to a Special Clinic to be tested for any sexually transmitted diseases or she may need a pregnancy test.

Reassure the woman that what happened was not her fault. Tell her she cannot be blamed for not preventing it. Help her put the blame where it belongs - with the abuser.

Respect her feelings and decisions regarding any sexual contact. Do not put any pressure on the woman. She may need reassurance that she is still attractive. At all times she needs to be in control of intimate and sexual contact.

THE REALITY OF RAPE AND SEXUAL ABUSE

Rape and sexual abuse happens far more often than police statistics and newspaper reports indicate. It happens to women and girls of all ages, from all backgrounds and cultures.

Most women and girls who have been or are being sexually abused, know their abuser in some capacity. He could be her father, husband, friend, workmate, neighbour, or other family member. Some women are sexually abused by women, although the vast majority of abusers are men.

Very often physical violence and verbal intimidation are used against a woman. A woman may be subjected to very humiliating and degrading things - for example spitting, urinating, foul abuse. The abuser may use objects against her such as bottles, sticks or a knife.

Some women may not show any signs of physical violence, but this does not make her experience any less terrifying.

When a woman is raped or sexually abused, she may react in many different ways. Some women scream, some fight back and many are shocked into being very quiet and still - too afraid to cry out or get away. Other women may make the decision not to struggle or cry out in the hope of getting away without any more violence.

The reaction of a woman after being raped or sexually abused can also vary. Every woman has her own way of copying with an experience which will not only have been terrifying and painful, but which is also likely to affect her whole life.

If a woman is not sobbing or visibly distressed, this does not mean she isn't upset. She may be too shocked to think about what has happened, or she may be forcing feelings down because she is afraid of feeling overwhelmed by them. On the other hand she may need to talk repeatedly about what happened.

Many women have been raped or sexually abused as children. Such abuse is often committed by a trusted adult - often a member of her family. Many women stay silent about their abuse, for many years. Some may have disclosed when they were children and were not believed or were ignored, so then chose to stay silent.

Some women "block out" some or all of their memories of abuse - these memories can suddenly be triggered off for a number of reasons, for example, another traumatic event in adulthood or even something on a T.V programme.

However a woman has dealt with abusive experience as a child, coming to terms with these painful memories can be as traumatic and as painful as if it happened yesterday.

REACTIONS TO RAPE AND SEXUAL ABUSE

Some reactions to rape and sexual abuse are quite common. Women often feel guilty about what has happened and feel that they could or should have done something to stop it happening. Some women need to talk about the experience in detail, repeatedly, while some women don't wish to talk about any of the details.

Women may spend a lot of time crying - often for months after the experience - this is very understandable. Some women go through periods where they feel very angry at everyone close to them.

Some women may continue with their lives as though the assault did not have any great effect.

A woman may find it difficult if not impossible to maintain or develop sexual relationships. She has already had the traumatic experience of a man sexually abusing her and she may feel that any kind of sexual activity reminds her of it.

What should I do if I am sexually assaulted?

• Find a safe environment - anywhere away from the attacker. Ask a trusted friend stay with you for moral support.
• Preserve evidence of the attack - don't bathe or brush your teeth. Write down all the details you can recall about the attack & the attacker.
• Get medical attention. Even with no physical injuries, it is important to determine the risks of STDs and pregnancy.
• To preserve forensic evidence, ask the hospital to conduct a rape kit exam.
• If you suspect you may have been drugged, ask that a urine sample be collected. The sample will need to be analyzed later on by a forensic lab.
• Report the rape to law enforcement authorities. A counselor can provide the information you'll need understand the process.
• Remember it wasn't your fault.
• Recognize that healing from rape takes time. Give yourself the time you need.
• Know that it's never too late to call. Even if the attack happened years ago, the National Sexual Assault Hotline can still help. Many victims do not realize they need help until months or years later.

How can I help a friend who has been sexually assaulted?

• Listen. Be there. Don't be judgmental.
• Encourage your friend to seriously consider reporting the rape to law enforcement authorities. A counselor can provide the information your friend will need to make this decision.
• Be patient. Remember, it will take your friend some time to deal with the crime.
• Let your friend know that professional help is available through the National Sexual Assault Hotline. Encourage him or her to call the hotline, but realize that only your friend can make the decision to get help.

What can I do to reduce my risk of sexual assault?

• Don't leave your beverage unattended or accept a drink from an open container.
• When you go to a party, go with a group of friends. Arrive together, watch out for each other, and leave together.
• Be aware of your surroundings at all times.
• Don't allow yourself to be isolated with someone you don't know or trust.
• Think about the level of intimacy you want in a relationship, and clearly state your limits.

How can I protect my child from sexual abuse?

• Communicate, communicate, communicate.
• Speak to your children using the proper names for their body parts. Armed with information, children are better able to report abuse to you.
• Teach your children about safe and unsafe touches, as well as what is appropriate physical affection.
• Let your children know that respect for elders doesn't extend to an adult that has made your child uncomfortable. It's OK to say no and it's OK to leave the situation.
• Trust your own instincts. If your instincts tell you something is wrong, follow-up.
• For information about Internet safety, download A Parent's Guide to Internet Safety from the FBI. The materials are available in English & Spanish.